My depression confession
Confession:: Sort of... I WAS DEPRESSED FOR MANY YEARS! True story. I was functional so no one really knew or did anything to help me. When I was at work, modeling or out partying no one could tell. And if they knew, they didn’t say anything.
But when I would go home, I would wonder what to do with myself, cry at night and stress about life and work or have social anxiety, or struggle through sleepless nights with my mind racing. I barely had a solid night of sleep. So then I was exhausted during the day and needed naps to survive.
I also had a boyfriend but during this period but that never really makes everything ok on the inside.
I’ve always been a creative person. I would use my low periods to write poetry, lyrics and stories. Or I would keep my eyes open and study the terrain of deep pain. I’d tell myself it was good to be low sometimes because it was where the “work” is. Eventually I’d come out of it having seen some new corner or shadow of myself and be all the better for it. Or so I thought...
But I wasn’t really changing. Sight doesn’t equal change. So, at some later time I’d just fall right back into it. Hours would disappear and sometimes days.
Honestly, it was only after I came out of that dark valley did I even realize that I was depressed that whole time. It’s amazing how we learn to adapt and live with all manner of dysfunction.
I don’t need abject pain to create.
I don’t need heartache to write powerful words.
I don’t need anything but the light within my Soul to grow, evolve, and express myself.
I’ve learned that depression is disconnection from the light. It’s heavy, dark, confusing. You want to get out but you can’t see down the hall or find the right door. So you wander. Until the light inside of you starts to burn again.
But why did the light even go out at all?? And how did i find the switch?
There’s more reasons that we lose touch with the light of our Souls that can be counted. If you try, you’re sure to miss the most important parts. What does matter, is that whatever the cause, there is a way out.
What helped me was receiving Life Activation and Initiation. It opened me up to hold more energy in my body and to support the light of my Soul. It cleared away so much of the pain, sorrow, and darkness in my energy field.
Almost overnight, my eyes saw the world with new colors. My jokes went from cynical realism to more light hearted silliness. I felt free and fluid where I used to feel like I was trudging through mud. I had finally gotten a taste of the freedom I had longed for so badly.
Why am I telling you this?
I cannot stand that the majority of people in this world don’t know how to cope with life. Dealing with problems is not coping. Dealing is not navigating with awareness, hope, and confidence in finding a way. Dealing is getting by step by step. Coping is having an arsenal of strategies, tools, and support for whatever life throws at you.
Society does not teach you how to cope, how to understand, how to see what’s really happening to you.
The school systems create an environment to explore social systems but does absolutely nothing to help you understand and love yourself enough to be a respobsible and kind human. Growing up and going to work is a microcosm of a universe with no encouragement of self reflection and awarneness of the greater good over capitalism. It’s show up, deal with your co-worker, do your job and make sure the machine runs. Becasue after all, it’s how they will pay you.
There’s so many harmless, easeful, and true ways to be better that do not involve medication or talk therapy as an only option.
I was lucky, even in depression I could see it for what it was and observe myself in the process. I knew it would pass. I wasted a lot of precious time but I made it out. I am, scorpio after all. We tend to get friendly with those deep spaces and embody transformation.
Not everyone does. Some people spend many years in the back and forth of it. Some don’t win the battle at all. You know what I mean.
I love that photo of me jumping because it is me rising above my shadow to see and touch the light. I am free, in a beautiful dress, not ashamed or shy about my body and looking at you, saying, “yes you can be this free too!”
For years I searched for a way to bring out more from within myself and finally start living out the life I knew I was meant to live. When I received Life Activation and literally saw my light turn on and my body awaken I knew it was what I was looking for.
Reiki hadn’t done it, meditation alone didn’t do it. They helped but they didn’t do this particular thing. The Life Activation did it. Then Reiki got deeper and meditation became easier becuase the Activation opened me up so that I could receive, know and be more.
I knew that this is what I needed to do the work my Soul had been wanting to do: To ignite the spark of divinity within my brothers and sisters in the world. Of course, I had to find it for myself first.
It’s been many years now and I can see it all even so much more clearly as I’ve continued to walk my Path of self discovery and Self Love.
Now that I have, I am here to do the same for you. Can you step into your light and your life…. Let’s talk about whether Life Activation or the other healing services that I offer are right for you. There’s always a time for more light in your life and love in your heart and soul.
Could this be the longest post ever.....
If you struggle with depression, anxiety, feeling low or hopeless reach out. Reach out to me or someone else. Many people suffer silently. You are not alone. Together we can all heal ourselves and the world.